I just came from church and wanted to share a bit about the message, but mostly about a manifestation of that message in my life. An ordinary everyday manifestation of the power of a touch. The message this morning was about the power of touch by Jesus, a healing touch, a friendly touch, the touch of human kindness. Pastor Gene spoke about the scientific evidence supporting healing touch and the need for softness in touch and space between the parties allowing God to be present and transmit the healing touch. Given the power of a touch, nothing new there, I wanted to explore a touch that I remember. It was a good touch, although, as the pastor pointed out, we must be vigilant about good and bad touch. My experience was good, but I never understood why.

It occurred at work and it was so routine, everyday and seemingly insignificant, that I really don't know if I can articulate it accurately, but it is my desire to try. A co-worker of mine touched me to adjust a collar, or fix a curl or remove a bit of thread. I really don't remember, but it was very insignificant. This co-worker was not particularly close to me, but when she touched me, my body felt that touch in a totally powerful way. It was a strange and powerful thing and although it happened probably 6-7 years ago, I will always remember it. It just absolutely warmed me body and soul. So, my goal was to figure out why. It was almost as though God reached down and touched me. I didn't let on that feeling and she certainly never knew. I just thanked her and moved on in my day.

As I reflect on that feeling; and I think that "feeling" really is the issue, I have some thoughts that I want to put down . It was not the person, it was the feeling that was evoked. I really have several thoughts that help me to understand what I felt. Perhaps it was the combination of my background, the immediate moment, the setting, my vulnerability all rolled into "the perfect touch". Perhaps it was the memory of a mother's touch for this motherless child - a flashback to a touch received in childhood prior to the breakup of my mother and the family. Or perhaps it was the tender touch in a very busy office atmosphere, a sort of respite from the grind of work. Perhaps it was the unexpected act of care that caught me unaware followed by the gentlest of touch to fix it. Whatever it was, it nearly took my breath away, I felt love deep within me and brought to the surface. I wish I could feel that touch again, but I don't think I will. I think it was the perfect "storm" and one of those sort of "out-of-body" experiences that I will never totally understand. I think I will leave it at that and just remember.

My journey

I am starting a healing process after being stressed to the max at work and trying to maintain some self esteem after being denigraded and pressured by my team lead and boss at work. First of all, I feel that I have been unfairly targeted for unknown reasons, although my age and related issues come to mind. Second, in an attempt to fairly portray the situation, I admittedly have made some mistakes and my thinking has been slow. However, there is some very unfair aggression being made toward me and I am struggling to maintain some semblance of decorum and professionalism while attempting to defend myself. I am doing neither one very well and the stress is wearing on my health, both physical and mental. Upon my reaching out for help, to my doctor and therapist, it was suggested by both that a leave may be in order for me. These suggestions were a surprise to me, however upon reflection, I decided to take the first steps to file a medical leave of absence. I don't know how long I will be out; or to what I will return; but I plan to use this time to work on getting healthy, both emotionally and physically. I also need to remember that perfection is not the goal, just progress.

I have a number of emotions regarding this strategy ranging from relief, to guilt, to fear. However, as I progress through the days, I am consistently reassured that I am doing the right thing. How am I being reassured? by little signs, spiritual signs that seem to affirm my decision: something I might have read in a passage, the opinions of my health care professionals, the support of my family, the peace that I am feeling being away from work, the opportunity to do something important during this time.

What am I going to do with this time, in very specific terms? I am going to work on exercise and healthy eating; I am going to volunteer for social programs at my church; I am going to continue my therapy; I am going to resume Al Anon meetings; I am going to do crafts; I am going to go visit my family and I am going to consider my future options. This is a lofty plan and I am not very good at carrying things out sometimes. But as my therapist said today, if something doesn't work, I just need to readjust and move on.

Another rough road to travel

I am having a tough time right now and this time it is a work issue. Knowing myself as I do, I am trying to stop a total meltdown, although in many ways I have already done my melting down. I don't want to dwell on that right now, although I will address it later. Suffice it to say that my self -esteem is low and I am considering what my options are in terms of my career.

In spite of all my doubts and the issues that I have gone through in my life, I must say that God has gotten me through all of them and I need to trust that he will do the same again. It is scary to put everything into the hands of a God that you are not even sure exists; or in what form he/she exists. It seems as though when life gets tough, the questioning begins - what am I here for? - the ever-present meaning of life babble that we all experience. Am I leading the life I am supposed to lead? Am I where I am supposed to be? To what extent am I responsible for change or what should I just wait for God to do?

Here starts another attempt to work through a tough time and emerge on the other side.

God's grace

What is grace and how does it work. I have heard grace defined a couple of ways. A prime example is the saying "by the grace of God". Based upon this, I think that it is something freely given by God, not something we earned. By the grace of God also means to me, something that should not have been, but (by the grace of God) is. It is a second chance, forgiveness, a gift of life. When life is confusing and difficult, and we could so easily slip into so many issues and tribulations , it is the grace of God (a gift) that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other and keeps us able to search for meaning in our lives.

Another interesting thing that I remember hearing at a bible study was the idea that the grace of God is so limitless, that we can never comprehend it. For some reason that really stuck with me. It made grace a noun to me, very real, a living breathing thing that is given by God. I think that acknowledging grace really comes as a result of humility, which I talked about earlier. We cannot appreciate God's grace until we have humbled ourselves enough to recognize that we are what God made of us, and that his grace is what brought us to where we are.

Sunday - April 5 --The will of God

The cruxt of the the Christian life and faith is to be able to know and do the will of God. So many references are made to the will of God. Especially in the 12 steps. The big question to me is knowing what the will of God is. How do we know? Do we trust our instincts? Do we just follow the commandments? Do we try to be perfect (and what is perfection)? Do we follow our dreams? Do we do what we want? Do we do what we don't want? How is the will of God conveyed to us? Is the will of God different for each person? What about different religions - does God want different things for different religions.

I think I have narrowed it down to three very simple principles.
1.) Do the next right thing - This concept comes from the 12 step programs I have been involved in. If you just always continue to do the next right thing, then you will get where you need to be.

2.) Treat others as I want to be treated - I believe that this is the love that God wants us to share. I wish to be treated with respect, kindness, and charity. This is what I must practice in my life in dealing with others.

3.) Make myself all that I can be. I believe that God wants me to be the best person I can be. I cannot be of good to others if I am "used up". The classic illustration of the woman who gives all her lamp oil away and cannot light her own lamp represents the importance of this principle. I believe God wants the best for us and wants us to take care of ourselves and then help others.

April 2, 2009 - Humility

I have a couple of concepts that I want to mull over and one of them is humility. To be humble is to be open to the possibility of relationship with God. In order to turn our lives over to God, we must be humble. The problem is that we still have to live in this world. I think it is important to distinguish between the concept of humility and being passive. The definition of humility is the lack of vanity and self importance. So to be humble does not mean that we cannot be productive. The goal is to be productive, happy and self satisfied without vanity and pride. We all have the ability to achieve great things. Our human nature, however, is to puff up with pride and consider ourselves more valuable than we actually are. It is okay, I think, to be proud of what you have accomplished and continue to be productive, while still remaining humble. Humility is the act of doing what you do regardless of what people say, positive or negative. It is knowing that we are doing it because it is the will of God.

Some of the most humble people I have heard about would include people like Mother Teresa, the Dalai Lama and Jesus, himself. They accomplished much, but didn't do it to make themselves look good, but did it as a tribute to God. What a wonderful goal to work towards. I have no fantasy that I will ever totally achieve it, but if I can do just a bit better, I would be very happy. Further, this is what gives us peace and helps the healing (steps 2 and 3).

April 2, 2009

It has been hard to keep track of where I am in my walk, so I need to review (again).
1.) Open my heart
2.) Participate in Christian community
3.) Work the twelve steps

I want to work just a bit more on number three. First of all, I want to look at Step 6 and then I want to share a little bit about how I am going to work the steps after Easter.

Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character

In order to be ready to have God remove my defects, I must be willing to give them up. Therein lies the rub. How do you give up behaviors that have protected you all of your life. The answer is with God's help. But it is not going to work, unless I am willing to give them up.

Part of the problem is that I am not sure that I know all of the defects. The personal inventory is meant to help with this, but there is still confusion as to what or how to do it. The key per Al Anon is to take your time and make continuous improvement. It is a decision to move in a spiritual direction.

For example, one of my defects is the inability to open my heart in some situations. I think that I need to put myself in situations where I overcome this obstacle. The other key is to recognize if there is a deeper emotion that controls this behavior. I believe that fear is behind my relational issues.

I have also decided how I am going to work the steps after I complete the lenten portion of this blog. I have a book called The Twelve Steps for Christians. I am going to use this as my guide. It includes scripture and I am going to use this as my journey into the Bible.

Monday, March 30 Lunch with a friend

I had lunch with my friend, Katie today and shared with her some of the things that I am writing about. We talked about some of our spiritual moments. It was good to talk with her and to express what I was doing. One of things that I shared was a realization of a pseudo God moment that happened 47 years ago and I would like to describe it today. For some reason, I was thinking about my childhood in the shower this morning and remembering the day my mother left. I was in either 3rd or 4th grade and it was summertime, so I was home on summer vacation. I don't remember details, but my mother informed me that we were leaving and we walked to the bus station. I can't remember my emotions, but I 'm sure I was nervous and not sure how to react. I knew my mother was not normal, but didn't have a name for it in those days and at my young age, would not have understood anyhow. I remember sitting in the bus station waiting for the bus. It was the middle of the day and my father was at work. He owned his own landscape business and had the freedom to come and go as he wished.

As my mother and I sat waiting in the bus station, my father pulled up to the bus station in his truck. He walked into the bus station and said "Faye, go get into the truck" and I did. I don't know what was said in that bus station after I left, but it was the last time we were all together. My mother could not live in the marriage anymore, because of her schizophrenia. I now understand that.

Standing in my shower this morning at 55 years of age, I realized that God must have had a hand in that "moment". For my father to have gone home, discovered us gone and tracked us down at the bus station at exactly the time between our arrival there and the bus arrival is nothing short of a miracle. I do not know how my father knew or even if he knew, but I now think that he must have been led. My life would have been very different, had he not "rescued' me. I really owe my life to that moment in time. I have thought about that moment many many times in my life, but had never thought of it in that way.

I mentioned in an earlier post that after this lenten project, I was planning to continue the blog and do a thorough working of the steps. This blog has really given me some pretty important self discoveries. As a result, I have also decided that after the steps, I am going to try and write my story. I really have very little memory of my childhood, but am hoping to unlock memories and heal scars.

Sunday, March 29 - a new week

I haven't blogged for a week. Frankly, it has been a tough week for me, but I am feeling better and am inspired for the next week. I am inspired spiritually because I went to church this morning. I also am looking forward to being productive this week and am working on several goals regarding my steps to a better relationship with God. To go over where I have been since Good Friday and following the GPS guidelines, here are my steps to God's Position System.
1.) Open my heart
2.) Participate in Christian community
3.) Work the twelve steps

I will only list those three because I am only that far. This blog has been so good for me. I actually feel like I am more spiritual than before. Oh the doubts are still there, but I am choosing to ignore them. My goal is to immerse myself in spirituality. I don't think that will 'look like' other peoples spirituality and I think that is okay. I am unique in God's eyes and am not a "sing in the choir, pray out loud, religion talking" person. My goal is to remain open, work the twelve steps and try to participate in christian relationships.
That is where I am so far.

Now I want to talk about the Fifth step.
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I really do think that I have done some pretty serious soul searching as to my wrongs. I certainly will never be done, but feel that I have at least made a pretty decent start. So I am working on admitting my wrongs to myself, the first part of the step. I have admitted my wrongs to God as I discover them, the second part of the step; But I have never admitted them to another human being, the third part of the step. I am considering asking my pastor to help me with this.
It is easier to admit them to myself because I really already knew. It was just a matter of uncovering the wrong or weakness and putting words to it. It is easy to admit it to God, once I identify it because I know that he knows me inside out anyhow. But admitting it to another person is the hardest. But I think until I do that, it will still be locked within me. It is a matter of letting it go.

Sunday, Mar.22 - Sin, Pshmin

Church this morning was very good. The drama was powerful and the message is one that I need to hear over and over again. It was about community and fellowship. That is something that I am not very good at, but I will keep trying. As I thought about my faith and this exercise, I am so glad that I decided to do this. I think it has helped to discover what I need to do to feed my faith. I have also decided to continue this after Easter with an emphasis on the twelve steps from a Christians point of view. I have a book that I am going to work through. This has been a powerful tool for me.

I hate the word SIN. I know that we all do things that are not right, even very wrong or evil, but one of my big issues with the church is their use of the word sin and the connotations that they confer upon it. One of the reasons that I love the United Methodist church is because they do not focus on sin as much. Let's face it - Sin is a constant, but I can't even use the word because of how it has been used. Let me use a very very personal example. I have heard the following philosophy several time and although I am not sure, I may have even heard it in the Methodist Church. The philosophy; which by the way, is rationalized through scripture; is that God punished generations of people by afflicting them with mental illness. My mother was schizophrenic and tragically so was my brother. Two people in one nuclear family with the disease. It tore apart our family and left the survivors broken. Hard core, bible beating, so called Christians would attribute this disease to sin. The God that I know would not be so cruel and unfeeling. It is as much a disease as cancer or the common cold. Something wrong with the make-up of the body. It is how it is manifested that bothers people. This is my quarrel with the bible and with those who take it so literally. People use sin as a means to downgrade and diminish other people.

And what about sin? doesn't the bible say that sin is sin and that no given sin is worse than another . Not sure how I feel about that. I guess I don't agree and what is considered sin, anyhow - I think of it as hurting another human being. In thought or deed? Pretty tough to completely control our thoughts. These thoughts are disjointed, but the whole idea of sin is distasteful to me because of how people confer judgement upon others about it. Oh and isn't judging others a sin? I guess a bit of anger is showing up here.

Saturday, March 21 - Q- What do I want? A-Faith the size of a mustard seed

I have been off for a couple of days. I am really struggling with the depression and the medication has not kicked in yet. I have been very very tired. I am functioning, but not much more than work and a few things in the evening. I expect to feel some improvement this next week. So I have not been on the computer as much later.

I was thinking about the feelings and beliefs about religion that I have written about in this blog. I have talked about my issues with the bible and my doubts and my fear of religion. But one thing that I also want to say is that in spite of all of this, I really do want to have this spiritual feeling, this relationship with God (even though I don't believe it sometimes); and I want to believe. Spirituality is comforting and warm. It speaks of peace and serenity.

It seems that what I want and what I believe do not seem to mesh, in fact they seem directly opposite, which really is the essence of my confusion, discomfort and feelings of dishonesty. This really must be the lack of faith. It is as though I am behaving one way and feeling a different way and yet; there is feeling and spirituality within me.

There is a verse in the bible which sometimes gives me comfort. I don't know where it is from, but it talks about the "faith the size of a mustard seed". It is a very familiar and popular passage and that is about the size of my faith, but it yields much more positive feelings - in essence, faith the size of a mustard seed can provide spirituality much larger than that. The law of increasing returns, so to speak.

I also want to move through another step. I worked on the fourth step last. It is never done, but the tenth step keeps me working on it. The fifth step is next.

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

I am pretty good at admitting my wrongs to myself and to God, but have never really done the other person quite like I should. I remember when I first heard about this step at a meeting that it was suggested that a sponsor or another member could be utilized, as well as a pastor or person of the spiritual world. I am considering sharing this entire blog with one of my pastors. I am still working out whether I will do that and who it will be. I have never been able to get a sponsor -- this goes back to my inability to open up, to appreciate people for their strengths, to trust them. The process requires asking someone to be a sponsor, and my reasoning has always been either 1.) nobody is quite right or 2.) they wouldn't want to be my sponsor. I am afraid I would get into something I couldn't get out of. Way too scary!!!!

So can I do this step completely this time? By telling an individual my wrongs?
The theory is that it helps to take us out of our isolation, it is the "cleaning' that helps us to move on.
from the 12 steps site noted in the side column

".Because these areas are so sensitive and so very personal, it is important to exercise care in choosing the person or persons with whom we formally share our fifth step. Such individuals should be trustworthy and somewhat detached from the situations about which we will share. For example, one would not usually calll on a spouse or immediate family member to hear this confession. In fact, it is quite common to choose a therapist or pastoral counselor for this purpose. Also, such individuals should be compassionate, not condemning."
- Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 45,46

Tomorrow is church and I am anxious to go!!! How weird am I?

Tuesday March 17

Prayer is one of the ways that I chose to express my spirituality. I have often said that, for me, if I can sing and pray, I feel as though I have worshiped. Prayer is as different for people as their looks and personality.

Here are my thoughts on prayer. I am not a public pray-er. My prayers are private and I don't feel a need to pray over mundane parts of my life. I get it and I occasionally will step outside my comfort zone and pray before a meal or in some public venue. For example, meetings at church often start and end with prayer. Since I started the Christian fiction group, this has become an issue for me. The expectation is there that somebody needs to pray at our meeting. The first meeting I asked Mary to pray, which she very generously did. The second week I totally forgot the prayer and the third week, I decided to stretch my spirituality and pray myself. My concerns with public prayer is that we choose words to say and try to put them into a prayer-type format; but is it sincere or contrived?? I think the habit is probably a good thing and keeps us focused, but I also think it easily becomes very rote.

My best prayer sessions are when I am all alone and just really try to feel the spirit of God, whatever that is. I try to envision God with his arms around me and warming me and drawing me close. I try to actually 'feel' him. I wish I were better at praying for others. Sometimes, I just focus on those closest to me, my children, husband etc. and of course myself. I need to work on prayer for everyone, including global problems.

With the previous said, as with everything else, there are things that just bother me. For example, it seems as though the whole "God may not answer the way you want" enters in to rationalize the absence of an answer to prayer. Another thing that bothers me is that we are taught in church that one little prayer is as powerful and effective as many long winded prayers. Yet, people in trouble will 'gather up' prayers as though the more they get, the better they will work. If someone is injured or very ill, prayer chains will be set up, people will sit an pray beside their bedside. Is it anticipated that these will show God more willing to intervene???

I believe that much of the prayer concept is for the mental health and meditational value of the pray-er. I once read a book about the science of prayer and it indicated that there is scientific proof that prayer works. I think that prayer works, but am throwing it into the same "mystery" arena that I put God himself into.

I will continue to pray, because it gives me peace - simple as that - Peace to me is spirituality. It is a very big piece of the picture for me.

Sunday March 15 - I promised joy

Well, I promised something joyful today and I am ready to deliver. I am a very lucky woman. Let me tell you why! Sometimes you must pull the joy out of the darkness, but I can do it.
1.) My father loved me (for that matter, my mother loved me to the extent that she was able)
2.) I had a fantastic relationship with my sister - she was my support in many many ways
3.) I love my husband, and he loves me
4.) I am so proud of my daughters
5.) My granddaughters make me smile and warm my heart
6.) I have good health
7.) I have achieved success in education and my career
8.) I have many things that I love to do - the arts

While my goal is to open my heart; and my inventory spoke to that flaw, I must also shed light on my strengths. My strengths are ways that I can do God's will.
1.) I am honest - I don't lie, either outrightly or by absence of information - unless it would hurt someone else.
2.) I think I have the ability to comfort people
3.) I think I am quite tolerant and open minded. I try to always look at the other persons point of view
4.) I think I see the good in situations or people that others might not see.

Step four says to take a moral inventory - this includes good and bad.

Rambling

Reflections

I think I will ramble today. The first thing I want to ramble about is this blog itself. My original goal was to blog daily throughout the lenten season as a discipline to keep my eyes on God and work on opening my heart. Those reasons still stand, but I am not blogging everyday. I feel guilty when I don't because I feel as though I am unable to carry out what I promised to myself. But here is the rub. Some days I don't feel like blogging either because 1.) I have not developed blogworthy thoughts and ideas or 2.) I am just too darn tired or busy. So at this point, I am going to give myself permission to take a day off without guilt. Oh I am enjoying this blog and may even carry it past lent, but the purpose is to grow, not to feel guilty. I type as though I am talking to someone, which maybe I will share it. But maybe no one will read it, so to blog my intentions and subsequent guilt is my way of putting it aside for a greater purpose. It is like stating something out loud makes it seem more real. I also have decided to work through the 12 steps again, but although they may be in order, they will not be one right after the other. Sometimes I need to step away and talk about something else.

The other thing that I want to blog about is a bit difficult to describe and really not entirely about faith and religion, but it became real to me at a church meeting and it really has impacted my life in so many ways. I have started a christian fiction book club at church. It is a new group and is slow starting, although I think it may be a success in the long run. It also is a way for me to grasp the religious world in a way that is comfortable for me. Anyhow, we just finished a book about a group of ladies from a church that meet regularly to pray and socialize. All of the ladies in the book have an issue, good or bad and we talked about the issues at our meeting. My life has not been routine, by any stretch of the imagination and I could relate to many of these characters. I have had heartache and loss in my life, but always just moved on ahead. Really what choice do we have? But the loss that I feel when I am surrounded by people like those in my group, is that I can never appreciate their relatively normal lives and they can not understand the things that I have gone through. I decided to share a small snippet of my life at the meeting and of course there was no real reaction. I struggle between feeling like I am hiding something by not sharing and boring people with my story. Who really cares? But I never feel like I can enter into conversations because I don't have the background that most people have. I have blocked out much of my childhood. It is that old shame and embarrassment. I have never been able to shake it. It makes for very difficult relationships. I think that is why I am drawn to the 12 step program, although I really can't share very well there either.

I need to stop now. I don't mean to make this a depressing blog, but to explain where I am coming from. Tomorrow or whenever I blog again, I will share some joy.


An afterthought --- why do I feel such a need to explain myself?

Thursday March 12 - Step 4

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
• Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
• Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Wow, anyone that has been in a twelve step program knows that this is the most difficult and time consuming step of all. Basically, the idea is to really look at oneself and determines strengths and weaknesses. What do we need to change, where are we making mistakes, where are we running amok. But we are to do so with gentleness. The step also calls for noting strong points about ourselves.

Sometimes when I am talking about we and should be talking about I, Leon will ask me if I have a mouse in my pocket. It's a cute way of saying that I am not taking ownership of my words, and I noticed in the last paragraph, that is exactly what I was doing - trying to share ownership. This step requires bravery and insight. I must look deep into myself and see myself as others see me and also see what others may not see, but that I know is there. Not fun!!! I just really have to be careful here, because my confidence and self esteem is so fragile. But part of the reason may be that I seem unable to rid myself of those deep feelings. I think the one that I am going to talk about here is my sort of indifference to people and situations. I really have this deep seated ability to distance myself from people; and uncomfortable situations with people, to an extent that I am actually uncomfortable with. I feel it, know it, and am really quite ashamed of it. I have actually never said the words out loud, and I have not written it to the extent that I feel it. It goes hand in hand with my initial reason for doing this blog, to be able to open my heart to people and ideas, including God.

This is one of many flaw, but without a doubt the biggest one and the one that causes me the most distress. It is the only one I want to deal with right now, and as I said in the first post, I don't know how to do that, so I just keep working the steps. The 12 steps web site discusses step 4 as uncovering our "emotional deformities".

Where am I:
I have admitted that I am powerless over my issues, that my life has become unmanageable
I came to believe that God can restore me to sanity
I made a decision to turn my life and will over to God as I understood him
and today I took a searching and fearless moral inventory of my flaws

I liked this:

"In every aspect of our endeavors, we strive to demonstrate these three core values, among others:

Gentleness—because everyone deserves kind consideration.

Respect—because every person is equal in God’s eyes.

Integrity—because truth must be handled with purity of heart.

Jesus said his followers would be recognized by their love—not sappy sentimentalism, but rather a growing capacity for joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These are the qualities we want our lives and our work to reflect."

from: http://www.reasons.org/

Wednesday March 11 - Step 3

Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

I have missed two days of blogging, but have two things to write about today. First is step 3 of the 12 steps which I am working through day by day in this blog. But before I start on that, I am struggling with depression and decided to tak about it, not because it affects my spirituality, but because it affects me so deeply and it is so wearing. When it flairs up, life becomes so difficult and tiring, that I find it difficult to put one foot in front of the other. This time it is a medication issue and will work out, I am sure. I considered asking for a 'stephen minister' today, but know that in a few weeks I will feel better. Relating this to the third step, maybe that would be a step toward turning my will and life over to the care of God, as I understand him.

Moving on to the step itself, let me break it down and talking through each part of the step.

"Made a decision" - because my life is unmanageable and I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over, turning my life over seems like a no brainer. Making that decision is easy, it is the execution that is difficult. Made a decision is not an action verb. I can make a decision about a lot of things, but whether I actually do them is another story. However the decision is the first step. The remaining steps tell me how to execute the decision - so the steps must be considered as a whole.

"to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God" - this is the part that is hard to understand. I think it would be easy to do, if I understood what it means. The literature suggests that we must give up self, in order to turn over our will and lives. Every little frustration, problem, addition, concern needs to be turned over - A favorite AlAnon saying of mine is Let go and Let God. I need to stop trying to control and see what God has to offer. Specifically, instead of trying to protect myself, I need to let God protect me. Is that it? That's really scary!!!

"as we understood God" - my God is very open and accepting (even though I am not). My God is without definition. I will find out when I die or otherwise come into immediate contact with him. I only understand, that I don't understand. And that is okay!!

March 8, 2009 Step 2

Step 2 --- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

After having admitted that I was powerless and that my life had become unmanageable, my next step is to believe 1.) that there is a power greater than myself and 2) that this higher power can restore me to sanity.

In the 12 steps world, people have many ways of defining their Higher Power. I choose to stay within the religious world, but certainly have some differing views than others in this world.

I absolutely believe that there is mystery in the universe greater than myself and choose to name that mystery as God. If I am diligent about disciplining myself to believe and not allowing doubt to creep in, I can believe that God can restore me to sanity. It takes a lot of work, but I can do it. The step suggests that the believing is a process - came to believe.

It really is all about serenity, peace and how to get it. The God of my understanding can give it to me, whether God is within, without, above or around; whether he is a concept, a force, a person or a spirit. I need to focus on the program and then I can be restored to sanity.

Friday, March 6 - The first step

I decided that since I got onto the 12 steps yesterday, that it might be good for me to do a mini "work the steps" session during this 40 day exercise. So for the next 12 days, I am going to focus on a step each day. It is an exercise that I (or anyone else, for that matter) can, and should, do over and over again. "Working the steps" was one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp when I first started with a 12 step group. What does that mean and how do I do it? First of all, it is designed for alcoholics, right??? NOT!!!! I am not an alcoholic, but I certainly have issues that can be lessened through the help of the steps. It is for addicts of any vice, or people who have or had dysfunction in their life. Actually, let me just restate this. It is for anyone who feels that it can help them and I happen to think that includes everyone.

The first step reads "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable". How does this apply to me?

I am powerless over other people, over my depression, over my reactions to people, over the isolation that I force upon myself, over my low self-esteem and self confidence, over my co-dependency. I am also powerless over the people that have added chaos to my life. Hard as I try to get out of this cycle, I am powerless.


From the 12 steps web site
"Admitting powerlessness is absolutely essential to breaking the addiction cycle, which is made up of five points:

1. Pain ->
2. Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to salve our pain ->
3. Temporary anasthesia ->
4. Negative consequences ->
5. Shame and guilt, which result in more pain or low self-esteem"

Let me take a moment to work through an example of this process
1. Pain - I fear that someone else will feel that I am a bother (self confidence)
2. Reaching out to addictive agent - I go inside myself , curl into the veritable fetal position
3. Temporary anesthesia - isolation, detachment from the source of the feeling
4. Neg. consequences - I feel lonely and lost, shame
5. Shame and guilt - I return to the "poor me" - low self esteen - (pain) and thus the cycle

My life has become unmanageable because I keep doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result over and over. It is moving out of that "addiction" that I cannot do and that makes my life unmanageable.

Admitting this is the first step to getting better. Admitting that I am powerless over these behaviors and feelings and that my life is unmanageable as a result.

Thursday, March 5, The 12 steps

I am a twelve stepper and it works for me. It gives me comfort, it breaks down what I need to do and gives me something to go back to every single time that I need to. It is a process and it is universal. It allows me to take things "one step at a time". It doesn't judge me and always lets me start over. It lets me believe in the God of my understanding. Some people may not like that, it certainly isn't biblical, but it works for me.

I think that religion is what the world has done to spirituality, and it really is too bad. I don't know what is real about God and creation and sin and living right and heaven and all the other peripheral stuff around religion. Here is what I do believe and it is very simple. I believe that there is mystery in the universe that affects us day by day. Simple as that! No more and no less. I choose to used organized religion to frame my belief, but I maintain that it is the tradition and ceremony that people often cling to (me included).

For me, the 12 steps simplifies that religion stuff and keeps me honest and doesn't let me get carried away with rules and ceremony. It keeps the focus on me and how I am living my life. In the long run, hopefully that helps me be strong enough to help others.

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
• Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
• Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
• Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
• Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
• Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
• Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
• Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
• Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
• Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
• Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
• Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Wednesday March 4 - Community

I thought I would blog about community, in the world at large and within the church. I have read several secular passages lately about the importance of socialization on our health. Specifically, one was a health oriented book (Younger Next Year) and one was a motivational book (Outliers).

I'm not very good at community, not because I don't want to be, but because of my fears and insecurities. I am seeing how incredibly important it is. I don't know if I can fix myself or not, but this is one of the goals I have. It also goes hand in hand, with opening my heart, another of my goals. I think that God must have instilled this need in us, this need to interact with other people. According to the sources that I read, it can literally lengthen your life.

With that said, my goal is to tap into the community from my church. This will help me in two ways. First the health factor just referred to and secondly it will help to strengthen my connection with the church and people of faith.

I have had trouble fitting into this particular church. We have been attending for 8 1/2 years and really had no real friends. Having just become members in the last year, I have tried to become more involved in the church and indeed, I do know some names now and have started a group. It is too early to tell how that will go. Only a couple of people have joined.

My heart of hearts however, knows that the problem is with me, not with the church. I really do not know how to form a lasting friendship. It seems easy and I had some friends growing up, but as an adult, I just really don't have a clue. --- or I don't really care. I hate to think that might be it. Anyhow, I need to pray about it, put some effort into it and just try to open my heart to others.

As a twelve stepper, I know that I need to admit my flaws and give them over to the God of my understanding (Wow, is that loaded?) How to do that? and who is the God of my understanding?

And there is the song : "What a friend we have in Jesus"
and the Michael W. Smith song "Friends"

The whole world is built upon friends in one way or another.

I am finding a lot of pain here.

My next thought is-- do I need to direct this blog or let it run it's course. My goal was to improve my spirituality and as always the whole damn thing goes back to my dysfunction.

I think I'll close now.

Tuesday, March 3

Ooops, I missed a day. I wasn't feeling very good when I got home from work, so I ended up just taking it easy all evening. So today, I am home on my lunch hour and making up for lost time. Maybe I should do two posts today.

I thought that I might talk about my Baptist roots today and how I feel about them. I do not have positive feelings about the Baptist church. Let me first say that my church was a loving, caring church that wrapped their arms around this motherless little girl. At least the pastor and his wife did. I pretty much went to church alone. My dad tried to go as often as he could, but it was just too difficult for a lot of different reasons. His encouragement was strong, however and I had friends there and enjoyed the social side of the church. I also learned a lot of bible verses and stories. I went to camp and felt generally happy that I had this church and these people in my life.

What I don't like about the Baptist church is all theology driven. I don't like the guilt and rules that have no basis in scripture or are based so loosely that it is laughable. Examples include---- Christians don't dance, wear make-up, go to movies, wear shorts, drink and many other really ridiculous rules. How following these rules makes you a Christian is still a question in my mind. And they defend them, even when they are faced with a conflict. I once asked my pastor, why is it bad to dance, when the Bible says to dance for God. He replied - "Well, that was different" - No it isn't. We dance when were happy, to express emotion, just as the people in Bible times did. I don't believe it is wrong.


The second thing that bothers me is their preoccupation with heaven and the fear they instill in each other that we will not be good enough to make it. They live their Christian lives strictly for how it will get them into heaven. Excuse me (little attitude here, sorry), but I live my live in a Christ-like way, because I want to be happy, please God and help others. Not because it will get me into heaven. Heaven is a gift, not a right, if there is such a place.

My relationship with God is best when I am singing and praying. I don't know if that is right or not, but there it is.

Sunday, March 1 - my spiritual experience

I decided to share my spiritual experience on this post. I don't know if it was real or not and it has been many years now, so it has faded, but at the time, I was shaken to my core.

It was perhaps 15 years ago and my husband and I had gone to a party. It was a party put on by an old friend of my husbands and included many people from the crowd that he ran with when he was in his twenties. I think it is pretty safe to say that they were hard partying, and although they were all very good people, they moved in a world of drugs and alcohol. Many of them have now moved on to more responsible and cleaner lifestyles, but you get the idea of how the party may have been.

I had a great time talking to people, enjoying the food and generally just hanging out. However, I was nervous because I knew that my husband would overdo in his alcohol consumption. I realized that I had no control and didn't want to hang around watching the deterioration of my husband's condition. So, with a heavy heart among many other emotions, I told him that I was going to go ahead and go on home. I knew that he would stay until there was no more to drink and no more to smoke. So I left.

I got into my car with tears in my eyes, I just happened to look down as I buckled my seatbelt and started my car and caught sight of the cross necklace I was wearing. Although I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, frustration and worry, I got a very uplifting feeling by just getting a view of that cross. I felt better, drove home and carried on with my evening. That would appear to be the end of the story, however the next day, something I discovered about that cross literally shook me.

The next day as I was re-thinking the day before, I looked down to see that cross again, but I couldn't see it. What was going on here? The chain was literally too short for me to see it by myself, without the benefit of a mirror. I broke down in tears, sobbing and sobbing. I distinctly remember seeing that cross as I looked down the day before. I saw it against the fabric of my shirt. I still remember the white shirt that I was wearing. How had I seen it yesterday, but not able to see it today? I still don't know the answer. I cried a lot that week, because I thought I had seen a miracle. Maybe I had. I still don't know. I have tried to explain it in all the usual ways, but I have to believe that God was comforting me, when I needed it. I have told just a handful of people about it, but I will never forget it. This is my documentation of it, such as it is.

Saturday, February 28 - Issues with the Bible

I think that for this post, I would like to lay out some of my issues with religion and the Bible. I don't know if I am different than other people or if they just don't voice their doubts. I guess that, for that matter, I don't really voice my doubts to another individual. I think about them, but I really don't "document" them.

For example, I don't really believe the Bible. I know that sounds strong and intense, but really, it is how I feel. Let me just add here, that I think the Bible is inspired and is an important book, having survived throughout the centuries. I think the stories in the Bible, are just that, stories. Many people take the Bible absolutely literally, from the entire universe created in 7 days to Sarah having a baby when she was 150 or whatever age it was. Sorry, just not buying it!!!! I think that there are just too many years, too many cultural impacts, languages, translations, and many other external factors; to be able to trust that what the Bible says is true, in every detail. I think that the stories that appear to be true, could have been anything from dreams, to stories told as examples to cultural values - the list literally goes on and on.

I once said in a counseling session, that the people who were all in the Bible or wrote the Bible seemed somewhat "schizophrenic" to me. Now this is a very personal statement to me because my mother was clinically schizophrenic, as was my brother. Having been exposed to the rantings and sick talk of schizophrenia, it seemed a perfect connection to make. The therapist I was seeing at the time just happened to be an ordained minister. He actually thought it was an interesting statement. This was many years ago and I still think about how reasonable that connection between the Bible and schizophrenia (or madness) can be.

Certainly this experience with mental illness in my immediate family has impacted my view of religion. My mothers illness and religion crossed paths many many times in a not very good way. It has taken me many years to be able to separate religion from insanity and I am not sure today that I am there yet.

Thus, my issues with the Bible. How do I justify or come to a comfort level with the Bible and religion in general. That is one of the goals of this 40 day blog exercise. It becomes clear through this post why I hold myself apart from the 'religious' zealots. It is to stay clear of the insanity, somehow.

That's all I can say for today.

Thursday, February 27-3rd day of Lent

Opening my heart............. that is hard for me sometimes. I don't consider myself a cold person at all and am very sympathetic and even compassionate to others. I think the problem is that I hold myself back and will only allow myself to "open" up to a certain point.

It is, without a doubt, a result of my childhood dysfunction, and an instinct that I have used as a survival technique. I have buffered myself from others to avoid getting 'sucked in' to their issues, lives and problems. The problem with that, is that first of all, it keeps me from being all that I can be regarding relationships with others. and secondly, it prevents me from being able to help others in any meaningful way.

Taking this observation to a spiritual level and examining it under the scope of how God wants me to behave and how best to do His will is part of what I want to discover this Lenten season. I believe that God wants me to be all that I can be in terms of happiness, self fulfillment and well being. Well being means interaction with others and having positive relationships in my life. Without positive relationships, it is impossible to help others, in any meanigful way. Opening my heart means opening myself to others and frankly, that is quite scary to me.

Is this where God comes in? - but I also struggle with opening my heart to God, so which comes first. The never ending question. I need help to open my heart to others, but I don't feel ready to open my heart totally to God either, for the help. How do you open your heart???????

40 days of blogs

It is the second day of Lent and I am motivated to get some spiritual maturity in this Lenten season. I have never really observed Lent in the traditional way and am not sure that I will this year either. However, I was very inspired at our Ash Wednesday service last evening and decided to make this a journey of self improvement and spiritual awareness. 40 days of exploring how I feel about religion, where I can improve and even what I cannot accept. Many things have impacted my view of religion from my dysfunctional childhood to my religious training early on and today as well. From watching the behaviors of religious people to the religious experience that I believe I had several years ago. I hope to cover it all. I am not in a hurry - I have 40 days and I hope to use them well.

My goal is not to give up chocolate or read a bible verse a day, but to really look inside and improve my spirituality to the extent that I am able, in conjunction with the beliefs that I have. Maybe they will change in the process.

Last night at our church service, our pastor gave us a lenten exercise. Her lenten theme is God's Positioning System, thus the name of this blog. She challenged us to write down five things that will help us to get to the "cross". Her message was to take our time and find meaningful steps. I have decided on my first one and it is to "Open my heart"; to others; to God; for starters. I will spend roughly the next week pondering this step and then decide on the next one.

I must just talk a little about the wonderful Ash Wednesday service last night at my church. It was so inspiring. From the wonderful music, to the inspiring message and finally communion and the conferring of ashes. I found myself waking up inspired this morning and starting my day with thoughts of and plans for my journey. I am planning my itinerary and programming my GPS.